I worry that she'll wake up from a nap and be sad because it's not me showering her with kisses and giggles, if she even naps for that matter. I worry that she'll learn to consistently roll or really giggle for the first time when I'm gone. Don't even get me started on the anxiety I feel about her saying her first word or taking her first steps in the eyes of another. Such a large part of me feels I'M entitled to be the first to witness these precious first moments. The thought of someone else other than her parents taking those from us breaks my heart. I feel like someone is stealing time from me. MY time. I hate the thought of her crying endlessly because she wants nothing more than to be in the arms of her mama. She won't understand why I'm not there every day. Will she feel like I've abandoned her? While I know I'm not the only one that can take care of my perfect little sweet pea, I'm her mother. I feel as if I am the best equipped at taking care of and meeting her needs. Will she sleep well? Will she get enough food? Is she going to be happy? Will she smile and coo? Will she feel loved and taken care of? Will she be soothed when she's sad? Will she get enough interactive time throughout the day? Will she be played with rather than being left to play on her own? Will she be talked to and engaged throughout the day? These thoughts consume me. I know it's not healthy, but I can't stop.
I'm her mama and I wish more than anything in the world that I could stay home with her, full time. I know it's not for some, but I really, really wish that was in the cards for us now.
Don't get me wrong, I am SO incredibly grateful that we've been able to have me stay home for the past 15 weeks almost completely unpaid. But here we are. Next week I'll head back to finish out the last 2 weeks of the school year. Then, I'm off again for summer, another 2 months that I get to spend with my little. As much as I'm really struggling with the idea of leaving her for the next 2 weeks, I am so happy that JP and my mom are able to take the time off to spend with Ellie rather than sending her to day care. I look at it as my practice run. It's the time I need to learn to let go and trust that she will be taken care of. I know that I'm going to fail miserably at this task, but I have to try. Really hard. There isn't any other option at this point. Yet, here I am, just a few days away from going back for a measly long two weeks and I'm already stressing out about how I'll be able to handle this come August. I'm leaving her with people I trust for the next two weeks, how in the world am I supposed to do this come August - with people I don't know well or fully trust?
I took care of my grandson for his mom's first week back to work. My heart broke for her as I held her sweet baby boy, while she had to go off to work. I was in her shoes once and I knew th pain of the moment.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can offer here is that you will figure it out, by the grace of God. The important stuff rises and the unimportant blows away.
Good luck (and I'm happy for your two week trial run).
Popping in from Oh, Mrs. Tucker!
Thank you so much. Yes, I have to rely on knowing that everything happens for a reason and all WILL be okay, even if there are a whole lot of tears in between. :)
DeleteIt is so hard - even when work is great - not to be torn between the two.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for linking up at the Friday Baby Shower - look forward to seeing you at this week's party, Alice x
Inspirational post. Thank you soo much for your thoughtful words. Best of luck and you are absolutely right that everything happens for a reason.
ReplyDelete